DZ-Dirt

The truth never stands in our way.

September 1, 1999 / Volume XIX    Who write's this shit anyway???

 This Month: In an effort to promote family values, we are dropping our EAT, FUCK, SKYDIVE motto.
DAVIS GETS WOOD ON SKYDIVE
Tom Davis, club Vice President had an eventful jump recently when he made a no suiter on a hot afternoon. "The relative wind blowing through my shorts just sent me into pure ecstasy. And the next thing I know it's "wood time", confessed Tom. "Now I'm wondering what it would feel like if I wore something silky in freefall." Tom's wife Ethel commented that she was locking up her lingerie.

ED'S BOOGIE A BIG SUCCESS
The Ed Weishew Boogie held on July 24 was termed a big success by all who attended. "It started off a little shaky,"said one jumper."First the clouds came in and then the skyvan broke down." But after a big hustle by Dan DelSordo and Mike McNamara flying the pilot up to New York, we had an airplane. It was just in time for Ed's ashes to be set free on a beautiful sunset load."It was a very moving experience," said one jumper."A farewell that any skydiver would be honored to have." The event collected $3,500 for Ed's favorite charity.
.............. QUOTE......................... Ed's ashes are being passed around in very small Tupperware containers with different colored tops. Ron Jencewicz takes one look at the tray and says. "Oh, cool! Are we doing Jell-O Shots?" 
Evil Twin DAVE BURT'S EVIL TWIN CAUGHT
Norman Johnston, murderer, escaped convict, all around mean, insensitive guy and dead ringer for United's President Dave Burt,was captured recently. "It's the end of a nightmare for me,"said Dave. I'm tired of people calling the cops on me, trying to collect the reward money for Norman's capture. I don't see any resemblance, except maybe the eyes,but that's where it ends. When Dave's wife Lori was asked to comment she said, "Don't quote me on this,but I think Norman is a little cuter." 

DROUGHT CANCELS AMATO FIREWALK
Tony Amato's plans to walk across a bonfire at the Boogie, and stop in the middle to sing a chorus of "I'm burning up for your love" will most likely be canceled due to a no burning ordinance in the township during the drought. Said Tony,"I'll try to think of something else really stupid to do but I can't make any promises."

Mystery Boobs of the Month

SKYDIVERS JUMP FOR CAUSE
A group of United's finest female skydivers organized a Jump for the Cause weekend recently. The event which took place at many dzs around the country was dedicated to the prevention and cure of breast cancer.In addition to raising $10,000 the event raised the fun factor with a women's state freefall record and a eyebrow raising multi-sexual (possibly bi-sexual) lingerie dive.Said one jumper,"I don't know if I'll ever be able to skydive with Jim Krisovitch again now that I've seen him in fishnet nylons and a garter belt. And Brian looked a little too comfortable in his leopard bikini nightgown with the chiffon teddy."

FACTOIDS
Ali will never teach his lovely new wife english. That way he doesn't have to worry about her talking to other guys at the dz.

Brian got his "Flaming Asshole award " on a recent saturday night. Word is out that he will attempt to earn a Herd shirt during the boogie. Obviously, anyone who will run around with burning toilet paper stuck up his butt will do anything. 

Mother Theresa's Corner
Hello children. I'd just like to give a special blessing to all the hard workers who keep this dz going. You know who you are and you're very appreciated. What a lovely new Packing area/Tiki Bar. Let's hear it for the workers. Bless them all. "Them,Them,Fuck Them."


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