DZ-Dirt

December 15, 1997 / Volume XIII

This Month: He only comes once a year.

Fiona Wins Vomit Contest
Fiona Middleton, one of United's most loyal supporters and refined ladies, won the projectile vomiting contest one night by the campfire, last fall. Her astonishing regurgitation registered an impressive 32 feet, six inches. Said husband and coach Dan DelSordo, "It wasn't her personal best. I once saw her knock a sparrow out of the air at 40 feet. What a woman! I knew then I had to make her my wife."

"Carbone Zone" on Shaky Ground
Scotty Carbone, the definitive dirty old man of skydiving, brought bad press for United Parachute club at the boogie last September. He climbed onto the clubhouse roof and videoed a female jumper while she was taking a shower. Said one old timer, "Actually for Scotty that's pretty tame stuff. But there's no excuse for his behavior. He's been banned from some of the best dropzones in the country and his status here is very precarious. In order to avoid the cost of putting a roof on the showers a group of male jumpers has volunteered to stand on the club house and make sure there are no more incidents.

Dilea - Burt Retain Power
After intense politicking and relentless power struggles, Cliff Dilea and Dave Burt were voted in unanimously as President and Vice President at United's December club meeting. The two were overwhelmed with joy at once again holding the coveted offices. Dan DelSordo agreed to be treasurer for another year, because unlike Mike Bailey, he knows how to count without taking his shoes off. The board of directors will consist of, Joe (lets do it in the car) Hadfield, Patti (I may be blonde but I'm not stupid) Bailey, Marco (I still can't say the word "canopy") Castanon, Leo (I love long walks on the beach) Kenny and Jack (How high is that building?) Kirk.

Shhhhhhh!!
This is still top secret. A big record attempt is slated for June. We're talking hundred way or more here folks. It's still in the planning stages,but Bob Christ is the guy to suck-up to here.

POP QUIZ
What macho skydiver was photographed in drag and loving every minute of it?

Van Horn Gets Ultimate Gift
According to an anonymous source Gary Van Horn got the ultimate Christmas gift after the UPC holiday party. "I'm not actually sure it happened, but I think it did. Two women told me they were going to make his dreams come true." said the source. "I'm pretty sure it happened as long as the girls were still in that fragile state between alcohol induced insanity and unconsciousness. If they did that means Santa and Gary have something in common." (see top right hand corner by "This Month")

Wilson Sighted
More Pete Wilson sightings have been called in from around the country. One caller placed him outside Radio City Music Hall in New York, wrapped in newspaper and sipping on a can of sterno. Another witness saw him dining inside a dumpster behind a McDonalds in Paris, Texas. Yet another saw him offering candy to a group of pre-schoolers in Eugene Oregon. Though no one still alive actually ever saw Pete jump out of an airplane, he was a good jumpmaster and it was fun burning his cars. Anyone sighting Pete call 1-800-pervert.