DZ-Dirt

June 5, 1997 / Volume X

This Month: Sinking to new depths of depravity.

CLUB GETS NEW CARPETING
The United clubhouse is about to get 500 square feet of carpeting donated by Craig Rabinowitz. "It's from the private dance room at Delilah's Den," said Craig from between the bars of his new home in the Montgomery County Prison. "Goodness knows, I paid for it. But here's the best part. If you put your nose to it and whiff real hard it smells like "Summer".

TEAM ROOM ADDED
In order to keep up with the competition and bring in teams seeking yuppie comforts, UPC has begun advertising team training rooms as part of our facilities. "So far we only have a 4 way team room." said Dave Burt, facilities manager, But we're checking with "Portolet Inc." to see if they make a bigger size".

WEISHEW LANDS WITH STYLE
Weisheau wowed the spectators and made a big impression on everyone, including the ground when he demonstrated his "Ass over tincup" landing one Saturday morning. "You have to do it just right, said Ed. "Because you only get to do it once."

PSYCHO GROWS HAIR
Psycho Joe is growing hair in his garden at the dz. Observers report large clumps of hair sprouting up between the tomatoes. "Hair is a big cash crop, "says Joe. Just look at all the bald skydivers.

POP QUIZ
What jumper got drunk and slept overnight at the dz in his wife's car? Now he's not allowed to come by himself. Huh? So tell us. What's the frequency, Kenneth?

INVERTED FLIGHT FOUND TO BE UNNATURAL
In a unanimous decision, the US Supreme Court found that inverted flight, or "head down flying" is an unnatural act that is not protected by the constitution. "It's sick, it looks silly and it gives me a sore neck trying to look at the pictures," said one justice, who equated it with having sex with farm animals or using someone else's toothbrush. USPA plans to appeal the decision.

GARY VAN HORN RETURNS TO UPC
Just like a bad case of the Herpes, Gary Van Horn has returned to United. I like to think of my self as a Salmon", said Gary. "Swimming upstream to deposit my load of eggs at the place of my origin. There's no place I'd rather drop my load than United." I really mean that.

DILEA BANNED FROM COAST
Cliff Dilea, United's new President, borne in controversy and tempered in conflict, went through a change of personality while on a trip to California, according to Janet Kelly Lundquist, Uniteds most avid west coast member. The usually mild mannered managerial manic lost it completely. Said Janet, "He partied day and night, threw up on my cat and asked our ministers' wife, "Do they pay you to fuck that polar bear?" Cliff denied any responsibility saying, "I think somebody slipped something into my fifth bottle of tequila. It didn't taste right."

DILEA CHANGES CLUB MEETINGS
The usual give and take of United's club meetings was ended abruptly with Cliff Dilea's rise to power. The new President made it clear at his first club meeting, wearing his high Nazi boots and snapping his sharp pointer menacingly into the palm of his hand," There will be no talking,no drinking,no comments and anyone caught chewing gum will wear it on the tip of his nose for the rest of the meeting."

MORRISON TELLS ALL ON TV SHOW
Appearing on a New York based talk show as a "Sexy Senior Citizen" Tom Morrison promoted the sport of skydiving with his usual class act. Showing a video of his PoPs skydiving exploits, Tom explained to millions of daytime TV couch potatoes about the wonders of living life to the fullest. The producers said it was a first for the show, having someone with teeth and an IQ too.

MOTHER TERESA'S CORNER
Sometimes I think about the way the sport is changing and it pisses me off. You got your booties and your full face helmets, your digital altimeters and cypresses. You gotta have air conditioned team rooms and carpeting to pack on so you don't get grass stains on your jumpsuit? What a bunch of wusses! I think the seventies was the best time for skydiving. Throw on some old military surplus gear, drop some acid and go make a skydive Those were the days... simple and pure. Now go in peace my children.