DZ-Dirt

May 29, 1995 / Volume III

This Month: Another Disgusting Issue

CHEUNG MAKES BIG IMPRESSION
Ted Cheung,Diamond Quest world record holder and general,allaroundskyod,made a big impression at a demo recently when he elected to fly his canopy through a chain link fence,rather than go over,or around it. Spectators were highly impressed and so was the fence,which now contains a remarkable likeness of Ted even down to the eyeglasses.Ted broke his arm,but said "That's okay. I have another one."

CLEAN UP VIRUS STRIKES DROPZONE
Just when it seemed like nobody cared,the dz was struck by the clean up bug. According to one observer, "One minute everybody was standing around moping because it was too windy to jump and the next thing you know they started going crazy,emptying trash cans,picking up junk,planting flowers and painting. It was amazing and inspiring.".

DECHRISTOPHER SACRIFICED TO "GYNO-GOD"
Several local women participated in the record setting 103 female freefall formation in Florida last month. In what was hailed as a supreme sacrifice to the Gyno-God, Jean DeChristopher broke her leg. "That's okay," said Jeannie. "I have another one."

DOTTIE'S QUOTE
"Everybody's getting married and I can't even get laid."

RICHARDS TELLS OF DEEPEST DESIRE
Bill Richards,self made man has confided to his closest friends that his life remains unfulfilled. "What I've always wanted is a Herd shirt," said Bill. "And I don't want somebody to give it to me.I want to earn it. You know how they piss on it,drop it in a portapotty and then make you put it on? I think that's really neat. That part about having to run around naked with toilet paper stuck up your ass,that's cool too. I wouldn't mind the humiliation. I'd be glad to send one of my pilots to go through it for me."

INCREDIBLE
In a freak occurrence, Mike Bailey spotted an otter load that landed on the dropzone. One witness said,"It's like that theory about the monkeys typing for a million years and turning out the works of Shakespere by accident. We knew Bailey would spot a load on the DZ someday,but we never thought we'd see it in our lifetime."

DEBBIE JASSEK FINDS ORAL JOY
Debbie Jassek,one of United's up and coming jumpers,is a woman of many talents. In her spare time she sings with an opera group. Says Debbie, "I'd like to wear a Viking helmet and crumble walls with my voice."

POP QUIZ
What United jumper did Janet Kelly sleep with the night before her wedding?

FIONA AND DAN TIE THE KNOT BOSS STUNNED BY SKYDIVER CONDUCT
Ignoring Fiona's pleas that jumpers behave themselves until her boss left the reception. Jumpers outdid themselves. First JP led the group in giving the newly wedded duo a "them",blatantly using the "F" word. Then the two were given the customary condom machine followed by a legion of ex- lovers turning in their keys to Fiona's old apartment. But Fiona's boss didn't seem to mind once someone slipped vodka into his drinking water. Said the boss,"Fuckin A man! Party till ya puke!".

RICE SEEKS SKYGOD SIRE
Cyndi Rice is searching for the genes to make a super skydiver of the future. Says Cyndi," My biological clock is ticking and I'd like to make a lasting contribution to skydiving." What better way than to birth a skygod for the next century? So far Cyndi has several candidates,including a world champion 4way team."Anyone is eligible confides Cyndi,"Except for Guy Wright. He's just too dam ugly." All applicants are required to submit a resume and DNA print. But please! No sperm until requested. Cyndi says her freezer is already full..

FLASH FUZZ SHAVES BEARD, GETS HAIRCUT AND DISCOVERS HE IS LONG LOST TWIN BROTHER OF BRAD PITT!