DZ-Dirt

March 16, 1995 / Volume II

This Month: Another incendiary issue

PREZ AND FIRST LADY BOOTED FROM BAR
UPC President, Dan DelSordo and his drool bucket first lady, Fiona Middleton, were tossed from the bar at Doe Mountain after the Para Ski Meet. A member of the staff said that Dan was being "Loud,Obnoxious and Gross." He then allegedly moved his obnoxiousness out of doors by urinating off the upper deck and yelling "Look, I'm Angel Falls! The staff member warned that Dan could be cited for incident exposure, to which Fiona replied, "Don't worry. It's no big thing."

BURT PUNCHES TREE WALKS HIGH WIRE
Dave Burt,organizer of Paraski Meets for the last two years, made the most notable jump at the meet this year. On his way to the target he punched through a tree and walked on an electrical wire. His wife Lorie explained to Dave's family, who looked on in amazement, "Don't be alarmed. He does that sort of thing all the time. Sometimes he finds a bare spot on the wire and his nose lights up.".

MARCO TURNS 40 SPURNS JILL FOR NEW PLAYTHING
Marco Castanon was mildly surprised at his surprise 40th birthday party recently. Marco, being the very astute individual that he is, suspected that something suspicious was going on when two kegs of beer were delivered to his house . But Marco turned the tables later at the party when he surprised everyone else by taking amorous interest in a young doll whom someone had found in an adult book store. Said Jill, "I don't know what he sees in her. She's so plastic and she's full of hot air.

SKYDIVERS SEEK SOLACE OF STEAMY SCUBA SEX
Club members Frank and Aleth Matrone, having already attained admirable skydiving accomplishments, have added another pastime to their list of diversified diversions. The tireless twosome have taken up scuba , spawning seething speculation as to what they might have in mind. When asked Frank would only reply, "What a husband and wife do in the privacy of a coral reef at a depth of 30 feet is their own business."

WEDDING BELLS
Who knows for whom the bell tolls? It tolled for Mr. and Mrs. Ken Bangham, formerly known as just Ken and Theresa. The couple ran off and had the knot tied. "A formal wedding was not for us," they said obviously without regard for the rest of us who were looking forward to getting drunk at the reception and doing the bunny hop and the funky chicken and offending all their relatives.

MAD DOG'S TRAILER WINS HOME AWARD
Mad (nobody knows his real name) Dog claims to have won Home And Garden Magazine's prestigious"AVANT GUARD DOMICILE AWARD". "It's true," said Mad. " They were here taking pictures and shaking their heads in amazement. I think they especially like my mosaic floor made from broken beer bottles and I know they were completely blown away by my textured dog shit ceilings. At least I think it was Home and Gardens, or was it Health and Welfare? They said they'd come back when I was completely conscious, so I Guess I'll never see them again."

ALL BLONDE DIVE IS CANCELED
The all blonde dive was canceled last week when the group never made it to the drop zone. A spokesperson for the golden fleeced females said, " We were driving down the turnpike in a van when we saw a sign that said WATCH FOR FALLING ROCK. So we stopped and we watched and watched all day and we didn't see one falling rock. Then it was too late to skydive. What a stupid sign."

PASQUARELLO NOT SHOOTING BLANKS
Steve Pasquarello became the proud father of an 8 lb14oz baby boy on February 21. "It was quite an ordeal," said Steve. "Hours of painful labor and the birth was an incredible experience. It was very difficult for me, but I was strong and it went very well." Steve's wife Michelle was there too.

WAIGHT MAKES HIGH ALTITUDE JUMP AT UPC
Dave Waight made a high altitude jump last month. The hard working club member and respected veteran jumper broke all the records when on jump run the airplane hit a horrendous updraft and soared to 4,000 feet. "First my nose started to bleed. Then I got hypoxia," said Dave. "But ya know, it was kinda neat. You can see the curvature of the earth up there and the people look like ants." When asked if he would do it again he replied, "I don't see why not. It improved my accuracy. I actually landed in the peas that time.".

Factoid
Chuck McGee has mirrors on his ceiling so he doesn't get lonely when he's having sex..