DZ-Dirt

January 10, 1995 / Volume I

This Month: Our Premier Edition

FIONA AND DAN PREFER DOGGIE STYLE
There's a new arrival at the home of Fiona Middleton and Dan DelSordo. Just recently the dynamic duo became the proud parents of a part Siberian husky part wolf puppy. Said Fiona,"A new puppy is not that big of a challenge. I figured that since I got Danny house trained I could accomplish anything. Dan was not available,but promised to get back to us as soon as he finished his bone. For those who have not heard. Dan wads elected as the new president of United Parachute Club at the December meeting.

THE PRINCE SLEEPS ALONE
Frank Sylvester, world renowned womanizer and coiner of the phrase, "Does that girl have bodacious tatas or what?' slept alone at the new years party this year. Questioned on this as he crawled out of his half empty sleeping bag, Frank replied, "This is something that comes with maturity. In my younger days I would have settled for anything. Now I'd rather sleep alone than lower my standards. Frank is putting the finishing touches on his book, "The Women I have known."
Frank calls it an insightful work filled with true stories about the famous and not so famous women that Frank has known (in the biblical sense). The names sound like a "who's who" spanning the decades from Jackie kennedy to Hillary Clinton. "Nancy Reagan called me once," said Frank, "But in her case I opted for the large farm animal.".

SMOKING CAUSES FLAT TIRES
Becky Wheeler discovered another harmful effect of smoking while driving to a party on New Years Eve. She was slightly distracted while lighting a cigarette and did not see the curb that jumped out in front of her truck. The resulting impact caused two tires to go flat. Obviously, an AAD would not have prevented this accident. But large quantities of alcohol seemed to soothe the aftermath, sending Becky to "LaLa Land" soon after midnight.

NRA FIGHTS PORTOLET BAN
The National Rifle Association is challenging a federal Law that was passed last year banning firearms from portolets. Said the NRA spokesman, "Banning guns from portolets is the first sign of totalitarian takeover. A man needs something to hold in his hand when he's on the John."

LOVATT LEAVES DUMPSTER
Rob Lovatt, long time club member and skydiver extrodinare moved out of his Paoli dumpster on December31 and took up residence in Phoenixville. "It's a real house with doors and windows and everything", said Rob. "And I want everyone to come and visit me at all hours of the night and please don't bring me anything. Please feel free to throw up on the floor and write funny things on the wall." Robs' exact address is currently unavailable.

BITS AND PIECES
Sue, we didn't see much of you last summer and we missed them both.

MCNAMARA WRITES MEMOIRS
Mike McNamara, President of United Parachute Club from 1888 thru 1994 has begun writing his memoirs. Mike says the book will cover the Caribou years, the purchase of two Porters, that's one that didn't make it and one that we wished hadn't. Mike stated, "It will also cover the fuel truck fiasco and my brief incarceration. It's time that I came out and told all about my stay in a jail cell with a guy named Bubba and how he taught me what love is all about.

PETE WILSON SEES HIS SHADOW
Pete Wilson emerged from his New York apartment this week, but only long enough to see his shadow. Then he ducked back inside, predicting twelve more weeks of winter. More accurate than a groundhog and twice as ugly, Wilson vowed his return with the good weather. "I'll be back, he said. "And I'll be looking for somebody to fix my god-damned car!"

ANNUAL MUD FESTIVAL BEGINS
Having rid their ranks of fair weather jumpers, the hard-core bunch prepares for the festival of the mud. Activities include sopping around in mud up to the ankles and sliding in for a landing with the wet rush of ice water soaking through to the underwear. But as the hard core winter jumpers are quick to point out, the good party is you don't need any ice for your beer.".

BITS AND PIECES
Has anyone ever seen Clarks eyes? Does he wear those sun glasses to bed?.